Catching Up.

Hey, how you doin'? It's been a while. How the kids?

Well, my baby is officially 4 weeks and tomorrow he will be a month old. Sigh. That means he will no longer be a newborn and let me tell you, the bigger he gets, the easier it is to see he is not a newborn. He also sort of makes eye contact now, so there's always that. I am in deep love with this little boy, but sometimes I fear he hates me and chooses everyone else in the world.

Whenever I come into the room, he decides to scream his cute little hairy head off and dear Lord that is a headache, heartache, whatever-ache.

But I can honestly say, I enjoy every single movement of his, all the smiles which he might just be passing gas, his little toes and hands, the way he is beginning to make eye contact. Slowly, but surely.

My BIGGEST fear is that when he grows up, he won't have a bond with me. He'll be attached to someone else. Crazy right?

Also, I am fed up with everyone telling me what I am doing or not doing is entirely wrong.

First of all, this is my first child.
Second of all, you've had your kids and if they didn't come out so well, please don't begin to judge me.

He's doing fine, he's gaining weight, the jaundice is gone. WHAT MORE DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?

I am happy. He is happy. We are happy. BYE!

Anyways, I read a book called The Neighbor by Lisa Gardner.

The book sort of reminds me of a Criminal Minds episode. A perfect family, mother disappears, the husband is the suspect, family has a hidden past, women reappears making peace with her husband. POLICE KNOW NOTHING, 

I would recommend this book. It sure kept me wanting to read more and more. 

I am now starting The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I intend to try and write summaries and my opinions about them. Sure they might be boring and since I am just starting, please ignore my portrayal of the book above. 

Have a great day folks, Maria. 

Long Talks.

Today I had an appointment with my gynecologist to check my blood pressure after I had pre-eclampsia when I went into labor. As always, she started the check up pretty normal, she went over the medication I was taking, asked about how my labor went and my son was doing. Finally, I asked her how I would know if I had postpartum depression. It was something I was extremely concerned about seeing how I was crying nonstop for a while and I couldn't sleep. I couldn't help but feel down.

 She then told me, what is it with women in this country? She asked me to explain everything I was feeling and we proceeded to have a great talk. She gave me so much good advice and I honestly hadn't felt better in so long. I saw my boyfriend, baby, family, and in-laws in such a better light. I decided that I would stop feeling sorry for myself and take action. I really am not depressed.

After the long talk with her, I realized  I was taking my boyfriend for granted. I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't sleep. I am missing home. I am missing my parents and feel stressed about their situation. I have to realize that although my parents are my world, I don't live with them anymore. I need to focus and worry about my own family. If not, I will go crazy worrying about myself and my parents. Things get so hard and I want to take on so much. I need to realize that I need to take on things one at a time and live life by the moment.

Right now, I'm watching my boys sleep. Boy do they look so peaceful. Junior always sleeps so good next to his daddy. I couldn't have asked for a better man.

Love, Maria.

Good night!

Quarentena.

Sweet baby Jesus! I gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy a whole week and a day ago! I know I still can't believe it myself. He's been living with us for three. How about that? AND he's alive and glowing and all that other great shiz. 

First Bath 

Today we took Junior his first bath and BOY did he love the water. I'm just going to leave out how he was screaming bloody murder the minute we took him out until we finished dressing him and gave him a bottle. 

And YES I said bottle. No I do not mean formula. Which I am using. What a bad mother I must be. But let me tell you, this little boy was in the hospital for four whole days and he got used to the bottle. So whenever I try to give him boob, he cries, get's frustrated and acts like he's not hungry anymore. HashtagWHYME. 

So I have decided to pump, pump, pump. Which is hard on my nipples, but I'll prefer this over giving him formula 24/7. I'm still so confused on how to feed him, when, how much. But I'm getting the hang of it and ignoring what the doctor says. 

Till later, thanks for reading.

Missing you.

My son isn't home with us yet. 

He's doing more tests and he might be coming home tomorrow. The anticipation is really killing me. Whenever we go to visit him I leave crying because he can't come with me. 

He really is starting to look better though. He's gaining more weight and getting color. He also passed his hearing test with flying colors. I'm going to praying that he comes home tomorrow. 

My boyfriend is currently fixing our room so we can put him in there. Everything is worth it for my handsome little guy. I also hope he gets to take his pictures tomorrow. 

Babies.

Hey there, hi there, ho there! Guess what? My beautiful baby boy was born on October 4 at 6:55pm! Heeeey. That's something to be super happy about. I'm truly happy and excited. Motherhood holds so much and I can't even begin to explain how I'm feeling. But I'll try. 😊 

So around 2 am on the fourth, I was like hey Jorge I'm not feeling so hot. I don't got my spunk man, so we called my mom and she said go to the hospital. Later, do I find out my contractions are four minutes apart and I had no idea they were even contractions! 

Then they told me I had preeclampsia! That was scary. I got put on medicine that made me all groggy. Later, I got put on pain meds that made me super loopy. I was as high as a kite. 

To make this long story short, I started pushing at two o'clock and for some reason his head wouldn't come out and I was crying, being a drama queen. I wanted a csection so bad and my boyfriend wouldn't let me give up. Kudos to him for putting up with me. That's them. ⬇️ 💙

and then around 6 I was like vacuum him! And they did since I had been going at it for so long! And 55 minutes later he was here. All cute and hairy looking at 6 pounds 3 ounces. I can honestly my boyfriend and I couldn't have made a better human being. 

My boyfriend has been so amazing. He's very attentive to my needs especially with the stitches and swelling and everything else. I'm so happy. So in love with both of my boys. 

I'm flying home.

"When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself.

When nobody else compliments you, then learn to compliment yourself.

It's not up to other people to keep your encouraged.

It's up to you.

Encouragement should come from the inside."

I don't know who wrote this, but I was on WeHeartIt earlier, scrolling wasting my time, and this came up. It kinda opened up my eyes that I say I will change my ugly ways, and still don't. 

Trust me, I have become WAY more appreciative of everything since my previous blog posts. BUT I still sometimes get whiny. I need to grow up. LITERALLY. No not literally, I'm not sure if that can be literal. I'm only 4'11. I can't grow anymore. ANYWAYS...

What I mean is that sometimes, I still get upset if my boyfriend doesn't compliment me. Or I expect him to up me when I'm down. I need a confidence booster. 

It reminds me of high school, I would always thrive on other peoples compliments and praises. Then and only then would I feel good about myself. That is not the way it should be. What am I going to be showing my son? I see other mothers, who are all about their children, but still do scandalous things or move on from guy to guy and for what ever reason they do it, it's not healthy for their children.

I want to show my child confidence and love. I want to bring him into a world where he can feel safe to be who he wants and even if he is judged for being exactly who he is, he won't let it get to him because he knows who he is.

For years, I struggled with my identity and now that I'm getting a hold of who I am, I don't want to lose it over something as petty as  I didn't receive a compliment. 

I am beautiful. I am strong. I don't need anyone to tell me or remind me. I will make it in this world. I will be happy. For my family, for myself, and for my future. 

In lighter news, or is it on?...I cannot wait for this pregnancy to be over with. As of yesterday I am 38 weeks pregnant and oh lawd they are dragging!! I am so tired, my feet are humongous and swollen and I'm hungry 98% of the time. I pee about every hour now and the pains are incredibly terrible. 

Crazy. Frantic. Is there even enough time?

It is September 23, 2014. I realize you know this, but I feel the need to say it to clarify all of my worries. My child can be coming any day now and I feel as no one is taking this as serious as I am. Our crib isn't even set up! Supposedly we were going to be changing rooms with my boyfriends brother because it would be easier for us, but we are still in the same room with a very big mess. There is literally baby stuff everywhere! Everywhere you look there is some kind of mess.

I cannot stand it.

I know that I need to learn to have patience, but MAN. I am trying, the Lord knows I am trying my very hardest to be patient and not open my very big mouth every time something bothers me. I just want to have everything fixed. My little heart and brain can then relax.

First I was worried about not having enough baby stuff for when he comes, but then we had the baby shower and received loads of gifts and it was also so fun. I then saw I didn't have anything to worry about.

My first reaction to anything is to worry. Maybe that's the problem.

It's this last month in pregnancy. These last few weeks, days, whatever it is now, are really killing me. My head is constantly hurting. My body is always hurting. I find myself thinking, what did I get myself into?

But then I feel my amazing son move, I feel him kick or I see the ultrasound of him chewing away on his hand and I remember that it's all going to be worth it in the end.