Quarentena.

Sweet baby Jesus! I gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy a whole week and a day ago! I know I still can't believe it myself. He's been living with us for three. How about that? AND he's alive and glowing and all that other great shiz. 

First Bath 

Today we took Junior his first bath and BOY did he love the water. I'm just going to leave out how he was screaming bloody murder the minute we took him out until we finished dressing him and gave him a bottle. 

And YES I said bottle. No I do not mean formula. Which I am using. What a bad mother I must be. But let me tell you, this little boy was in the hospital for four whole days and he got used to the bottle. So whenever I try to give him boob, he cries, get's frustrated and acts like he's not hungry anymore. HashtagWHYME. 

So I have decided to pump, pump, pump. Which is hard on my nipples, but I'll prefer this over giving him formula 24/7. I'm still so confused on how to feed him, when, how much. But I'm getting the hang of it and ignoring what the doctor says. 

Till later, thanks for reading.

I'm flying home.

"When nobody else celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself.

When nobody else compliments you, then learn to compliment yourself.

It's not up to other people to keep your encouraged.

It's up to you.

Encouragement should come from the inside."

I don't know who wrote this, but I was on WeHeartIt earlier, scrolling wasting my time, and this came up. It kinda opened up my eyes that I say I will change my ugly ways, and still don't. 

Trust me, I have become WAY more appreciative of everything since my previous blog posts. BUT I still sometimes get whiny. I need to grow up. LITERALLY. No not literally, I'm not sure if that can be literal. I'm only 4'11. I can't grow anymore. ANYWAYS...

What I mean is that sometimes, I still get upset if my boyfriend doesn't compliment me. Or I expect him to up me when I'm down. I need a confidence booster. 

It reminds me of high school, I would always thrive on other peoples compliments and praises. Then and only then would I feel good about myself. That is not the way it should be. What am I going to be showing my son? I see other mothers, who are all about their children, but still do scandalous things or move on from guy to guy and for what ever reason they do it, it's not healthy for their children.

I want to show my child confidence and love. I want to bring him into a world where he can feel safe to be who he wants and even if he is judged for being exactly who he is, he won't let it get to him because he knows who he is.

For years, I struggled with my identity and now that I'm getting a hold of who I am, I don't want to lose it over something as petty as  I didn't receive a compliment. 

I am beautiful. I am strong. I don't need anyone to tell me or remind me. I will make it in this world. I will be happy. For my family, for myself, and for my future. 

In lighter news, or is it on?...I cannot wait for this pregnancy to be over with. As of yesterday I am 38 weeks pregnant and oh lawd they are dragging!! I am so tired, my feet are humongous and swollen and I'm hungry 98% of the time. I pee about every hour now and the pains are incredibly terrible. 

A change.

I'm really not good at keeping a blog or journal or whatever it may be up to date. I get way to lazy to write. Or I'll read someone else's writing, compare it to mine and find it completely inadequate and throw in the towel.

I MUST STOP. If I ever expect to develop any type or writing ability/career I must not put myself down.

This also goes for other aspects of my life. I'm constantly berating myself. How I look, how I dress, how I do my makeup, how my relationship runs, how my family is. Instead of trying to build up my self confidence or make my life a little more positive, I'm bringing myself down about everything. It is honestly making me so happy and probably ruining a lot of things for me.

I vow to make a change.

Today, my boyfriend and I decided instead of going to a baby shower we would go out to eat. Instead, we stayed in and baby sat his little brother. I was so disappointed even though we ordered food. (That I didn't want.) Instead of appreciating that he still bought food and his other brothers later brought food I did want, I was upset and basically ignored him because I didn't get my way. That was not the way to go about things. I know this now. That I look back at that hour I wish I could take back.

We all make mistakes. And boy do I make mistakes. and keep making mistakes. It's a never ending cycle.

I'm going to start making the changes I need to become a happier person and not a grouch.

A mean old grouch with lots of cats that will eat my body after it begins to decompose because no one wants to be around me.

Good night lovelys.